Tending to a Relationship

We are surrounded by relationship advice. If you subscribe to lifestyle magazines there's a chance there will be a relationship article buried somewhere in those pages. Especially if you're an avid subscriber to  Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire and Glamour magazines like I am.  The internet is also filled with relationship articles. There's always something on Yahoo's, MSN's or AOL's homepages. So before checking my e-mail I'm bound to check those articles out. Now some people might not see the point to all these articles and don't see how they apply to their relationships. But I think that even if you don't take away any specific bits of advice you should still realize, after reading such articles, that relationships take a lot of work. That's why people write these articles. They're basically like instruction manuals. You wouldn't build something without consulting the instruction manual so why would you be in something so complicated as a relationship without having some basic advice? Yes, relationships are extremely complicated. It's almost a paradox. Something that makes you so happy is just so damn hard sometimes. But nothing in life is easy and I think that sometimes the best things are the ones that you work hard for. And relationships need a lot of work. Think of your relationship as a garden. Gardens are beautiful but they take a lot of hard work. Lots of sweat and energy gets poured into maintaining a healthy and beautiful garden. The same is needed with a relationship. You can't just relax and let it take its course thinking that if this is the right person for you then you don't need to put in an effort. Of course you need to put in some effort. As soon you become lax in your relationship your partner will start thinking that you don't care. Because when you care about something you work hard for it. When you want a great looking body you go for it and you work out hard and eat right. When you want a great career you go out and pursue it without giving up. So if you want a great relationship why would you sit back and not do anything? Sure the relationship was perfect for you in the beginning. Everyone feels that way but eventually all relationships get old. But that doesn't mean they can't be good anymore. People just need to stop delusional and think that everything should feel the way it did in the beginning. Once you let go of that notion and realize that those feelings of newness and excitement can't be recreated unless you find someone new, then you can go on and start making what you have even better. For me the small things count. Texting me randomly to tell me that you miss me make me melt. Sending me funny things in an e-mail to cheer me up are greatly appreciated. Surprising me with small gifts like my favorite chocolate would show me that you still care. There are so many little things that you can do to make your relationship better and show your partner that you care. The advice is out there. All you need to do is start paying attention to it. I've always heard that doing good things for other people makes you feel good. And while I've never really considered it before, I understand it now. Doing small things for my boyfriend, whether it's showing up to his house with his favorite drink or sending him a text reminding him that a show he likes to watch is on tonight, really does make me feel better. And it shows a certain thoughtfulness. 
If you don't pay attention to anything else you read on relationships, make sure that you at least remember this. Just like not watering your flowers will cause them to die, neglecting your relationship and forgetting the small things that make the relationship strong and happy will ensure  its end. 

Bus Rides From Hell

So I endured yet another hellish bus ride today courtesy of the MTA. I've realized it's a mistake to take the bus at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and if I could avoid it, trust me I would. You would think the buses in the afternoon would run faster and be emptier since most people are at work. But what a drag it is that school gets out so early. See I can deal with a crowded bus (well sort of; I still curse every minute of it) but there's something about a crowded bus full of teenagers that makes me wish I didn't have to leave my house at all. Before I go on let me just state that I really don't have anything against all teenagers. After all, I was one a few years ago. Though, I do believe that I was quieter and more well behaved when I was out in public. Which brings me to the reason why some of these kids make me dread ever having to raise one. Why are they so damn loud on the bus??? They're young so they shouldn't be going deaf yet but for some reason the ones I'm stuck with on crowded buses feel the need to scream to their friends who are just mere inches away. Of course I always make sure to have my Ipod on but why should I have to set the volume to a deafening level just to block out their mindless talk? Maybe they feel everyone would love to hear their interesting conversations about who hooked up with whom, which teacher sucks the most, or whatever perverted thoughts decide to run through their heads. Oh yeah and did I mention how vulgar these kids get? Okay I know that when I was in high school my conversations weren't always G-rated. It's unrealistic to think that teenagers don't talk about things that adults wish they didn't talk about. But some of them just don't seem to have any shame. In fact they probably think it's cool. (It's funny how you see things differently once you're older) But forget the shame factor. At the very least they should have some sense of courtesy and should know how to conduct themselves in public. That means no yelling across the bus, not blocking people's paths and not shoving each other for fun. There have been plenty of times when some boys felt like roughhousing it  in the bus or at the bus stop. And as someone who's only 5 feet tall I can say it's not fun to have teenage giants fall into you. Seriously, do parents teach their children anything anymore? Oh and something has to be done about those monstrous backpacks. When the bus is crowded to the max it would really helpful if those huge backpacks weren't pushing into people. Just take it off and hold it.  

So all this venting is coming from years of enduring bus rides in these conditions and even worse sometimes. Today I was lucky enough to get a seat, albeit in the back stuck with a group of high school girls who of course had to scream to one another because a few inches is just too much distance between them. Oh and did I mention that in 85 degree weather there didn't seem to be any air conditioning on the bus?

Soon one day I will have my own car and to hell with these bus rides!

An Easy Way Out

The other day I read that Jesse James was entering rehab for sex addiction. Gosh there must be an epidemic going on here! First we have David Duchovny (although with all these new juicy scandals he's probably not someone to remember), then Steve Phillips, the infamous Tiger Woods and now Jesse James. So is sex addiction a real disease or just an easy way out for these sleazy men? While sex addiction may be a real problem like alcohol addiction I feel that these men are using it as an excuse for their disgusting behavior. It's an easy way out for them. They have their fun and once they get caught they claim they have a sex addiction to save their reputations. After all the public might be more willing to forgive a celebrity if he claims he has a sex addiction rather than admitting he just felt like cheating on his wife a bunch of porn stars and strippers. So I think the whole sex addiction excuse is just used to cover up immoral and overindulgent behavior. These guys probably just have over inflated egos and think they can do whatever they want but once they get caught they have to come up with a really good excuse as to why they did what they did. And what's better than claiming that you have an addiction? Maybe I'm wrong but I always felt that having an addiction means you don't have control over yourself. From what I read in the press all those extramarital activities seemed planned.  Here's something I got from medicinenet.com: "Generally, a person with a sex addiction gains little satisfaction from the sexual activity and forms no emotional bond with his or her sex partners." So if Tiger Woods really had a sex addiction would he send sweet text messages to his mistresses? Would Jesse James cuddle with his overly tattooed Neo-Nazi girlfriend? I don't think so. I think that our society has enabled a culture of excuses. People don't take responsibility for their actions.  And while I do understand that addictions are all too real and that there are people who suffer from them, I don't think all these cheaters have sex addictions. They're just jumping on the bandwagon created by the first celebrity who went to rehab to cure his sex addiction. They just need to own up to their mistakes and admit that they cheated because they wanted to. Who do they think they're fooling? Hey at least former Governor Spitzer didn't claim he had a sex addiction!

Love Hurts :/

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I've tried not to though because some of those thoughts are ones that I don't want in my head. But they creep in there anyway uninvited. I can sum up what's been plaguing me in two words: Relationships suck. They are wonderful in a way but when they start to unravel it hurts more than anything you've ever felt. And while there might be some red flags that let you know bad things are to come you still feel suckerpunched when you realize that what you were so afraid of has finally come to pass. So yeah, while love is a great thing it can also be a horrible thing. Maybe it should be considered a weapon of mass destruction because when love fails it leaves you feeling like the walking dead. You just exist. You don't live. You go through the daily motions of life without feeling anything but hurt, sadness and anger. You pray for something to come along to distract you from the crushing pain you feel but nothing comes. You try to busy yourself with mindless work but that can't last forever. You can't even bring yourself to talk about it with your friends. Sure they say that talking helps but what happens when just the thought of your failed love causes your stomach to clench in pain? Talking won't make it better. It will just make you feel even more sick to your stomach. So you busy yourself with work and don't discuss the issue. You push the nagging thoughts out of your head for as long as you could. But then there does come a time every day, once if you're lucky but usually it happens more than once, when there is nothing to distract you and the thoughts flood your mind along with a suffocating pressure that sits on your chest and refuses to leave. You're alone with these thoughts. You sit there wondering what should I do? But you already know what to do. It's just that thought of it hurts even more than the pain he's causing. Because while you want this misery to be over, you're afraid of the misery that will come once you're truly alone. It's time to cut the strings but something stops you. Is it love or fear?
Maybe you know what you should because you gave the very same advice to friends in distress in the past. You told them that if he doesn't make you happy and doesn't respect you then they should leave. You told them that they deserve better. They deserve to be loved the way they loved him. But when it comes time to follow your own words of wisdom you find yourself stuck. You don't have the strength to push forward. You keep telling yourself things will get better. You focus on all the good the relationship has brought. But are you being hopeful or are you just being foolish?

The only thing that makes me truly happy

Today at work I was browsing through wallpapers to customize the new computer in the office. My coworker suggested that I put a picture of my dog, PeeWee, up. Her reasoning was that I should have a picture that makes me happy whenever I look at it. I thought that was great idea. I already have a picture of PeeWee as my background on my laptop and my cell phone so it only made sense to have him on my work computer. That also made me realize something that I've always known but never really thought about it. PeeWee is the only thing that makes me truly happy. Even though he's gotten into the garbage can too many times and still hasn't realized that he's not allowed to sit on our new recliner, I can't help but smile when he's around. Even when I have to run after him when it's time to brush his unruly hair and struggle with him to clean his ears and eyes, I still can't think of anything negative towards him. Even though walking him, especially in the cold rain, is a drag sometimes, I still wouldn't trade him for anything the world. Simply looking at him melts away frustration and stress. Now I'm not a crazy dog owner. Studies have shown that people with pets are happier and healthier than their non-pet counterparts. One study even showed that most people would rather be with their pets on Valentine's Day than with their spouses. Now I don't think I would go that far but I do understand the reasoning. Dogs are so incredibly loyal. They are always happy to see you when you come home. There's no better feeling for me than coming home and seeing PeeWee wag his tail with excitement and  jump around not knowing what to do with himself because he's so happy that I'm home. Has anyone in your life ever greeted you that way? I don't think so. I'm lucky to get a smile out of my boyfriend when he sees me. PeeWee won't ever give me an attitude because he's had a bad day. His heart would never turn cold towards me. He would never say or do anything to hurt to me. PeeWee won't wake up one morning and decide he's changed and tell me to either deal with it or go find someone else. His love and loyalty is limitless. A dog really is a person's best friend because he will never let you down. You never have question a dog's love like you a person. I don't have any negative thoughts or feelings associated with PeeWEe despite the terror he was as a puppy. But it's different with people. You can't always forget the bad things about them even if you try really hard. I don't think a person (maybe unless it's your child) can ever give you the same happiness that a dog can. A relationship with a person can cause unnecessary pain and stress. Having a dog can only bring you positive benefits. 

I hear my PeeWee's feet pattering around upstairs. It's time for me to relax and be happy so I think I'll go upstairs and show PeeWee the same love he's shown me for almost 7 years. 

Trust

For the past couple of days I've been thinking about the word trust a lot. Is it really possible to trust a spouse 100 percent? Can complete trust shield act as a veil, shielding us from the truth? Trust is something that seems simple in a relationship, especially with a person that has not given you a reason not to trust him/her. But I feel that trust isn't something that is just established in the beginning of a relationship and then left alone. It's like saying,"Hey, I haven't done anything for you not to trust me yet so you can trust me forever." But can you really? People change and even when they are in love they do foolish things. So if I adhere to the belief that since you never gave me a reason to distrust you I shall never be the least bit suspicious and take everything you say at face value, will things be okay? For me trusting someone 100 percent makes you vulnerable. Because when you have complete trust you feel that you have no reason to be suspicious and that can lead you to ignore instincts that could otherwise help you. I don't know if this making a whole lot of sense now but it's just my feelings on the issue of trust. A person doesn't necessarily have to lie or cheat for you to lose to trust in him/her. I feel that a lot of things can lead to trust breaking down. For example if your partner changes his feelings about issues that are relevant to your relationship, that can lead some sort of suspicion. "What is the reason for this change of heart?," you find yourself thinking. If one value can change what's to say that other values won't change. But the biggest thing for me now is when your partner sees how hurt you are by something he/she did (even if it seems insignificant to him/her), and doesn't do anything about it. Instead he/she turns the situation around and makes you feel like you are at fault for feeling hurt. So you can't help but wonder that if your partner sees your hurt feelings as your own fault and isn't willing to do anything about it, how can you trust him/her in the first place. You shouldn't hurt the one you love and if you did so unintentionally you should correct the issue right away. When you really love someone and want to be with that person you will sacrifice anything and everything and not complain about it. Because that person would do the same for you. Your disregard to my feelings by not acting in a way to make them better shows me that I can't trust you 100 percent. Because if I can't trust you to make me feel better and more secure in the relationship then how can I ever trust you completely?

Teens Stripping????

Living in NYC in the 21st century, I didn't think I would find anything that would shock me so much. But watching a rerun of the Tyra Banks show today I found that one thing; a loophole in Rhode Island's lawbooks allows teenagers as young as 16 years old to strip as long as they are home by 11:30 p.m. Older men are legally allowed to watch 16 year old girls strip. Doesn't that come a little too close to pedophilia? A 16 year old girl is still a child, no matter how mature she looks or thinks she is. As crazy as this law sounds, what was even crazier was the teenager featured on this episode. Tyra Banks invited a 16 year old Rhode Island girl who worked full time as a waitress during the day and stripped at night. There was no mention of school in the dialogue so I'm guessing this girl didn't even go to school. What a shame. But she felt that she made a great living from stripping. She said she has things that other girls her age don't such as apartments, cars, a big screen television, etc. But it wasn't only her materialism that drove her to strip. She actually aspired to be a stripper! What happened to aspirations teenangers had back when I was in high school? At that age many of us aspired to go to college and become professionals. We wanted to make something out of ourselves. My former high school classmates have gone on to work in business, education, healthcare and other respectable industries. I never knew a girl who dreamt of being a stripper. But stripping isn't the only goal this 16 year old girl has. She said she would have sex for right amount of money and would really like to do porn. Hey who needs college when you can rely on your body for money? I just wonder what she plans on doing when she hits the age where no man would pay to her naked. But considering that she's only 16 years old I doubt the thought crossed her mind. The shockers don't end here though. The girl's father came on the show and flat out stated that he supports his daughter and wants her to do what makes her happy. He also mentioned that she's headstrong and would do whatever she wanted to do anyway. Now doesn't that just about describe every teenager out there? It's their nature and the very reason why parents should be doing their job parenting these rebellious teens. This guy seems to have just gotten lazy. How could he not be disgusted at the thought of men his age drooling over his young daughter's body. Earlier in the show the girl mentioned that she believes most men like her because she looks so young. Ew is all I have to say. Any man that enjoys watching a 16 year old girl strip is disturbed.


Now that I'm over my initial disgust I realize that people might question my reaction. After all we live in such a sexualized society. But just because we live in this kind of era doesn't mean it's okay. Now I'm not some ultra-conservative prudish person but I do still have morals.  And I won't let go of those morals no matter what becomes acceptable. So when did it become acceptable for 16 year old girls to strip legally? When did it become acceptable for parents to support their teen daughters' dreams of porn stardom? I don't have really have an answer for that. We can blame television shows and popular music but that's a topic for another blog. But I really think it's time for everyone to take a closer look at what's going on with teenage girls. Why are they growing up so fast? The innocence of childhood being lost at a quicker pace. I almost dread what teenage girls will be like when my time as a mother comes.